I like elipses
Maybe it's the wine I'm drinking, or maybe it's the rain outside my firescape, I can't seem to shake this mood I'm in. Waiting for the laundry to dry in the drier, with a wool blanket draped over my back, I'm huddled over laptop trying to piece together something cohesive.
I've had four breakups to date. They were the more serious ones, ones that lasted more than 2 months. The longest being two years. Each one worthy of note, each one I believed to have been the one to grow old with, sign papers with, raise children with. In my book of love, each chapter etched its lyrics onto my heart, burned scars into my skin, with the words of each shouting match, each sugar sweet whispers, each pillow talk crowding my mind, and every unsaid word hanging at the edge of my lips. I miss them. I miss every one of them. Each moment, each step we took, each song we sang, each thought we conjured. And most of all, I miss who I was when I believed in them, all of them... So naive. So green.
And as if to say "hurt me now, so that I can get over the pain and move on with my life" I stopped believing in forever. Preemptive, I know. I'm in a happy, loving relationship now. But from time to time, doubt still rears its ugly head, and I wonder. We're never sure are we? I guess that's part of the fun? Not knowing...
No idea where I'm going with this...
I think I need a new perspective...
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I should consider myself lucky to be alive, with loving, caring friends and family, a job that more than keeps me alive and well, and the prospects of a future. And if love is in the picture, consider it a bonus, because for a lot of people in the world, these questions are a first world problem.
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Plato says "Love is a serious mental disease." I'm really really sick then...
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I've obviously failed at keeping this entry cohesive...
I've had four breakups to date. They were the more serious ones, ones that lasted more than 2 months. The longest being two years. Each one worthy of note, each one I believed to have been the one to grow old with, sign papers with, raise children with. In my book of love, each chapter etched its lyrics onto my heart, burned scars into my skin, with the words of each shouting match, each sugar sweet whispers, each pillow talk crowding my mind, and every unsaid word hanging at the edge of my lips. I miss them. I miss every one of them. Each moment, each step we took, each song we sang, each thought we conjured. And most of all, I miss who I was when I believed in them, all of them... So naive. So green.
And as if to say "hurt me now, so that I can get over the pain and move on with my life" I stopped believing in forever. Preemptive, I know. I'm in a happy, loving relationship now. But from time to time, doubt still rears its ugly head, and I wonder. We're never sure are we? I guess that's part of the fun? Not knowing...
No idea where I'm going with this...
I think I need a new perspective...
++
I should consider myself lucky to be alive, with loving, caring friends and family, a job that more than keeps me alive and well, and the prospects of a future. And if love is in the picture, consider it a bonus, because for a lot of people in the world, these questions are a first world problem.
+
Plato says "Love is a serious mental disease." I'm really really sick then...
+
I've obviously failed at keeping this entry cohesive...
posted by Joey at 11:14 PM
2 Comments:
You gave me chills when I read your description of what it's like to truly believe in someone.. to miss that. To miss who I was, then.
I'm in a relationship too right now, after many long term (over 1.5 years each) relationships having ended previously. I have doubts, too. But I am trying my best to stick to basics, respect her, appreciate her, and make her happy. hehe. We must keep trying!
Plato believed there was a perfect form of everything. He also wrote that we were once beings of two, split by the gods, and given love due to their pity. He had some strange ideas.
Thanks for the link, I really like the acoustic version, too.
As long as two people care about each other, there's no reason the relationship can't go on forever. It's only human to have doubts. But I think it's human to have eternal hope as well. At the end of the day, I think each of us has to determine what kind of human we want to be. I think you're making the right choice.
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