the good and bad

There's never enough hours in a day...

I've been extremely busy. I suppose that a good thing. Idleness drives me insane. Work has picked up tremendously, and I've been involving myself in several freelance projects, with and without pay. And it keeps life more interesting.

Living with the boyfriend for about a month now and we've gotten into a routine. I find security in routines, the assurance of predictability is comforting. This is not to say that I cannot deal with change, randomness, spontaneity, or chaos. I actually seek those out when there is a need for them. All in moderation of course. Having someone to say "Honey, I'm home" brings me a certain joy. As is having someone to wake up to, having someone to cook a meal for, or have a meal prepared by. This has been the most natural I've ever felt with anyone. It helps a lot that we're both very similar in our lifestyles, which makes for an easy living environment.

As great as everything sounds though, I've been feeling rather uneasy for a while. At first the string of misfortune that happened upon both of us got us rather foul in mood, then one morning I had forgotten to validate my train ticket which resulted in a citation which summons me to appear in court. And if I choose not to appear, I must pay a fine of $353. This really puts the cherry on top of my sundae of doom. On top of transitioning to a new routine and schedule, my emotional stability was rather shaken, which explains a lot of my anxiety. Digging deeper though, I realized that there was an anxiety in me similar to guilt or resentment of self. Where it stemmed from was rather obvious, but was not clear to me until I gave it some serious thought, which was that the New Yorker in me was conflicting with my recent decisions that might make me more permanent of a Californian: the recent partnership in a start-up company, my moving in with the boyfriend, living in an awesome lofted apartment, essentially starting a life, growing roots. This will disappoint my friends back home and let down my parents hope of me returning home anytime soon.

My default plan prior to moving to the West Coast was to give it a go for two years, and thereafter return to New York. What I never could have guessed was that I would find a relationship that worked so well, and finding a job that suits me, and living in a more-than-perfect apartment. Lo and behold, time slipped right by me and my two year mark is just around the corner. It baffles me how quickly two years had gone by. It has been awhile since I've visited home, and it made me nervous. As if the ground beneath my feet, the very ground that I knew to love and hate were slipping away from me, and I must jump to this other new ground. In essence, since I have many attachments to home still, New York inside me was fighting for attention and resented that I chose California.

I hope my visit in July would quiet that part of me. And I'm also hoping that by appearing in court would reduce my fine. And also I hope to finally settle in some and find more time to take up some leisure activities.

Otherwise things are dandy!